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2005-01-15 - 10:08 p.m. this is not anger. this is jealousy. recognize it. sadness- yes that i dont feel like i have that power. but its because i dont live my life needing validation. i dont need him to rush to my rescue when i quiver. i dont need someone to make me feel hole. but when my someone makes other people feel good that makes me feel icky. icky isnt good enough. what does it make me feel. inadequate, less powerful, less feminine, less desired, and too far away to do anything about it. the fact that these things are happening while i am far away makes me feel like a leech on my social group. they cant be themselves around me? is that it? what do i do to people to alter their actions? this is not who i am. i was me at new college- i didnt change the face of people for the bad, i did it for the good. i made things exciting and excitment made me. no. this is not who i am. 2005-01-14 - 5:47 p.m. livejournal is dead right now. kinda frustrating 2004-06-17 - 2:25 a.m. are we all migrating to livejournal? thats sad. i miss people updating on diaryland
2004-06-11 - 12:15 p.m. im turing the cat into a dog 2004-06-10 - 5:21 p.m. nights now start at 7, woo! 2004-06-08 - 9:06 p.m. warren from buffy is on the jury and looks funny 2004-05-30 - 9:25 p.m. why should livejournal get the update and not here?: so i had this big long update planned but im not sure ill get through it. Ive been thinking a lot about what I want out of life. Ive been reading thisn IDEO book that i love and it has definately inspired me about industrial design. i think it really is a good fit for me, it uses all of my talents and fits my ever changing needs. all i need to do is learn how to sketch- and thats a bitch. but i feel much more healty about my life choice at this point. i just have to see if scad is the place for me to fulfill that dream or if some other place would be a better match. (flash though- wonder if my france acceptance letter came yet). so carrear- check. that seems to be on course. as for the rest of life, ive become increasingly more and more confused. im sure i dont want kids. im fine with animals. sometimes i think about it and wonder if I am making a mistake at such a young age to set myself against children, and i dont think i am. I could raise children. its not that i wouldnt be good at it, but I dont think that I personally would reap as much joy out of it as it would be painful and a hassle and an interference. then i think that that is a completely selfish thing to think and that i should be sharing of myself because im a wonderful person and if wonderful people arent going to raise children then it will be left to the dolts. The other concern that children brings to mind is long term goodness. Ive never said I was against marriage, but it hasnt been a goal of mine. If i find someone i want to be committed to forever then so be it. What if they want kids? who am I to deprive someone of having thier offspring because i want to play with my life? who are they to ask me to give up my playtime to help raise progeny. this limits my long term selections severely. and selections of course brings me to options. I want to be in love. I dont know that i ever have been. i love arlo more than any boyfriend ive had. granted, the boyfriends are small compared to the sex partners. do i sleep with people to avoid intimacy? do i avoid intimacy to get sex? woo psych degree. I am pretty sure there are deep seeded intimacy issues around in my brain somewhere. I always say ive never had sex with anyone im attracted to. its not true. I was attracted to each of them, but none in that brainless vapid shallow physical way. which, honestly, i think is probably better than having had slept with every brad pitt I could find who didnt have a thought in their heads. each one was intelligent, and cared about me (at least at that moment) and i dont regeret anyone. but still...sex has been a good three years. im ready to be back in a relationship. someone who expects my call each night and knows how i like my iced tea. this is why i fall in love with friends most often. they know me. they know what i want and what i need and what i dont like and all that good stuff. Im pretty sure i fell in love for a brief moment in time during my last year of new college. i dont think i knew it then. theres more here, but i dont know how much im ready to release to the world yet. I would like to think that im in the outer rings of love, or maybe im deep in the heart of it. i am definately at a more emotional place than I have ever been (emotional weepy, not emotional angry like i was from 13-15). being so emotional has helped me to understand more of what i need out of life, but its also confusing because im not weepy and it makes me feel week. which probably means that i have associated love with being week (which on some conscious leavel I know). the mushy stuff scares me and being dependant on someone scares me and thinking that my thoughts and feelings might not be returned terrofies me. i dont want to be standing alone out on a cliff. but i dont know if Im ready to let someone hold my hand. Id like to think that I am, and id like to give it a shot. But how, then, do I really begin? 2004-05-30 - 8:45 p.m. woah, 8 days since update. tired. updates will pick up once i get home 2004-05-22 - 3:18 p.m. i love love love going to new college. its so home for me. i have most of my important memories and friendships coming out of there, so when I go back its like revisiting my childhood home. PCP was fantastic, as predicted. Alex knows how to throw a good party. Ive always thought the best pcps are the ones that are simply really big walls. when you get people involved in stupid decorations or themed music, it gets away from the spirit of being a big new college dork. we love our britney spears (do do dududlu du do dududlu rar rar rarwmnn- thank you clay) and freedom 90 and like a prayer and the more outkast the better. naked people in the pool and only one overdose. kisses from cute ben and maggie and breakfast at melodee even though it was 12:30 and dinner at bangkok and meeting puck and knowing cubby is happy and seeing tom and getting told i look fabulous (which renews my vow to get back on the wagon) and tess dancing, if only briefly, and brent being excited that "i get to dance to like a prayer with mari!!" and sleeping at the ramada even though its no longer the ramamda and has joyland in it and mikes hard lime is very good and jenni is supercute. too tired to remember it all right now. 2004-05-19 - 8:22 a.m. i was entirely at the building until 3. i would have killed smiley if i didnt think he was gonna die of sleep exhaustion anyway 2004-05-18 - 2:51 p.m. i just slept for two hours. i feel much better. I got a 90 up from an 85 on my rework in photoshop, a 100 on my paper and he wants a copy of it, and a 100 on my practical exam (i was the first one done). im so gonna get an A in there. Smiley told me my stuido project was the "most bangin presentation ive ever seen" which is good because i never know how my presentations go. now i just have to kill this human factors project and study for photoshop and life is golden. plus abby is making me dinner tonight for american idol and im arranging a going away dinner for tomorrow since im so out of here on thursday 2004-05-15 - 10:21 a.m. www.livejournal.com/users/alongcamea i try to update in both at the same time but i dont always remember 2004-05-11 - 5:54 p.m. i had to take myself out to lunch after class so that i wouldnt kill myself 2004-05-07 - 11:33 p.m. holy crap. val just took me out to dinner at 45 south. i had tomato bisque, veal with asparagus in a port rosemary demiglaze, and a dessert sampler of white and chocolate mousse, key lime pie, and creme brule that was out of this world. she also referred to me as family. made me want to cry. 2004-05-07 - 3:01 p.m. the kitty isnt ready to be picked up. that means i cant go work yet. maybe i should go buy food for tomorrow 2004-04-30 - 1:48 p.m. im so tired and so not into all this. what am i doing with my life? am i bored because of my bad classess or because the novelty has worn off. i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont 2004-04-28 - 7:25 p.m. im gonna quit school and do something meaningful with my life.
2004-04-28 - 2:48 p.m. I dont think any of you guys are close to me...but here ya go Trying to get everyone involved that I can- plus you get to hang out in a kicking downtown apartment. I just signed up for a phone banking party run by MoveOn PAC. It'll be a fun and powerful way to help swing this election. Want to come to the party? You can sign up at: http://action.moveonpac.org/phone/selectmtg.html?event_ids=1641 Here are the details: Phoning to remove a phoney 225 E Taylor St Apt A Savannah, GA 31401 Saturday, May 8, 12:00 PM You can find other parties in your area -- or sign up to host your own -- by going to: http://action.moveonpac.org/phone/ Each attendee at the phone banking party will be given a list of folks to call and a script for the call. You'll mark how they respond to some simple, non-confrontational questions, and that data will inform our get-out-the-vote effort. Campaigns often pay $1 per call or more for calls like these to be made by professional outfits. We'll save them that money and have fun while we're at it. Since we'll be spending a good deal of the time at the party on the phone, it's important that you bring your own cell phone. But lists of folks to call, scripts of what to say, and a fun environment will be provided. This party is part of the May 8th day of action. Hundreds of grassroots groups and tens of thousands of us will join forces in the biggest one-day voter mobilization effort in American history. Together, we will contact over 1 million voters and register over 250,000 folks to vote. We'll also prove to Republicans and the media that while President Bush may have more money, we have the people-power to win. I hope to see you there.
2004-04-27 - 11:53 a.m. things really do just get worse every single day. its like office space. what in the hell am I doing here if im going to be the most rediculously miserable me? im not a quitter, thats my problem. fucking stubbonrnness 2004-04-26 - 9:40 p.m.
2004-04-26 - 5:04 p.m. im completely fed up with everyone in the entire world 2004-04-25 - 12:52 p.m. i always like to think its me that youre in love with 2004-04-25 - 12:51 a.m. little done and smiley didnt call me. im gonna cuddle with the cat 2004-04-24 - 10:22 p.m. im so not doing any fucking work. damnit 2004-04-23 - 6:01 p.m. i so have a date with abby tonight and a date with smiley tomorrow. im gonna fail my classes
2004-04-22 - 8:15 p.m. my professor is pregnant. she and her husband have been trying for four years with IVF and she got pregnant naturally. im not sure how long i would try to get pregnant before I adopted. then again, i dont want kids, im adopted myself, and dont have a desire to give birth. 2004-04-22 - 8:00 p.m. i bought the kitty a collar and tag. now shes genderconfused. her collar is blue and sparkly and the tag is pink 2004-04-22 - 5:26 p.m. i really want to pledge to raise $1000 for moveon.org but im not quite sure if i can do it. 2004-04-22 - 9:16 a.m. 98 on my photoshop practical 95 on the written part (damn one question. should have gone with my instincts. anywho, had to chase the cat up to the second floor this morning when I was leaving. shes a fast little bastard 2004-04-21 - 9:43 p.m. if america is so out of touch that they kick jennifer hudson off of american idol, then what chance have we of choosing a good president? 2004-04-21 - 5:43 p.m. the kitten just gave me new arm tattoos in the shape of large gashes. she just keeps crying and i dont know what she wants. her head does fit in my mouth though 2004-04-21 - 3:23 p.m. i just found the tiny little OUTSIDE our front door!! what the hell is going on? 2004-04-19 - 10:39 p.m. Hi Tom, Im writing you because I don't really know who to go go and I'm hoping you as my advisor can advise me. I have become extremely frustrated with my IDUS classes this quarter. The purpose of me taking undergraduate prerequisites is to catch me up with the skills that I need to become a competent graduate student. At this point in time, I don't feel like I have learned what these classes were developed to do. There has been a lot of wasted time (and tuition) with very little to show. I can go into details, but I didn't want to expand on concerns I have about your collegues in case you are not the person I should be taking my concerns to and put you in an awkard situation. I know that class evaluations are the primary way for students to express their concerns, but I am unsure that the evlauations here are taken seriously by the students and I wanted to make sure that someone was aware of the problems that are occuring. What I really need from you is advice on my next step. Is there somoene else I should talk to about my concerns? Is it best for me to simply fill out the evaluations? I know the information here is vague, but I thought it best until I know who I should be expanding all this to. Let me know what you think is the best plan here. Thanks- Mari
2004-04-18 - 8:39 p.m. im not doing work, my parents dont like val, and i wore my new cute outfit 2004-04-17 - 10:52 p.m. is anyone else concered about jessica simpson being the new britney spears in terms of role models. britney is bad, we know this, she ignored the influence of her sexuality and young girls get the wrong idea about what it means to relate to men. Jessica Simpson is playing dumb. shes getting success by being the dumb blonde. shes teaching girls that intelligence gets you nowhere and that if you flake it up you can get places. 2004-04-17 - 10:48 p.m. im so so so tired, but i need to get something done on my research paper tonight. maybe i should just go to bed and be really rested for tomorrow. 2004-04-17 - 10:36 p.m. good time with mommy and daddy. fun new outfit to wear tomorrow. lots of things to auction at church. kitty has gas 2004-04-16 - 5:21 p.m. 3.38 miles in 1 hour. uma thurman here I come 2004-04-16 - 4:15 p.m. mmm...kill bill good 2004-04-15 - 9:01 a.m. got a livejournal. same user name as here. its just to keep up with friends so i can stop checking thirteen journals in the morning. Kitten sleeps with me. dont know if that will change. interesting dynamics with the cat 2004-04-13 - 1:12 p.m. KITTY AND KILL BILL!!!!!! 2004-04-12 - 11:00 p.m. and absolutely EVERYONE is driving me out of my mind. I can hardly stand the people in my life right now. i want to strangle strangle with my bare little hands. maybe ill start being more direct. 2004-04-12 - 10:53 p.m. hey, its the first official mental breakdown of my graduate carreer. ive had depression and frustration and now complete breakdown. hopefully it will be good and productive for me. im going to write a list of concerns and write to tom about them. maybe things can change. 2004-04-12 - 6:18 p.m. no work no work, please no work. we had a bomb threat today 2004-04-11 - 1:10 p.m. ive got an hour before people get here to work on human factors. im not gonna do anything for that hour. propabaly not the best plan but its what i want. easter service was really good and we now have a part time minister 2004-04-09 - 6:03 p.m. i really want to hold this bake sale for kerry, but im not sure where to do it that i wont get arrested 2004-04-09 - 2:22 p.m. and holy shit: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1099/hellhouse.html 2004-04-09 - 2:02 p.m. last night i watched the ice skater mockumentary with aj langer. good times. i just finished watching hell house- good times. crazy nutzo pentacostals. 2004-04-08 - 3:36 p.m. i fucked myself hard...and not in a good way. I was trying to get my playlist back in order and i ended up deleting my preferences for every program. now i get to start from scratch, and it seems i can only get 200 of my 4000 songs back on my playlist. excuse me? so maybe i dont have a playlist from now on. i only use it to make kick ass cds anyway 2004-04-08 - 12:50 p.m. bad day for condi and the boys 2004-04-07 - 8:42 p.m. i just rented gothika and the ever anticipated matrix revolutions. im gonna take a bath and watch the matrix after my boyfriend gets voted off american idol 2004-04-04 - 4:47 p.m. if you report that you never got an issue of martha, they add it on to the end of your subscription. thats pretty honor system isnt it? 2004-04-04 - 3:28 a.m. well Ive always been interested in my birth parents. i guess its only natural. but since ive had such a good family i havent ever needed that filling in the gaps where do i come from crap. more so, im interested in my medical history in order to know what to look for in the future. funny thing is I found her. Once i told my mom about it, she remembered that the nurse had slipped and told my dad, but he couldnt remember. but the name i found is the same that he remembers being told. so bam. its her. i mailed the letter today...very form and non-personal, one so that if it wasnt her it didnt freak the person out, and two, since it is her not to sound like i need her to be my mommy. its gonna be interesting to see what happens. i really hope she writes back but im not sure what i want her to say. ill be peachy keen if she doesnt want a relationship...but would like to keep up contact in case of anything. i wont be happy if she doesnt write at all. i dont know how ill feel if she does want some sort of relationship. im sure it will all develop in some sort of natural way, but its still strange to send that letter out of the blue. and i found her in less than 24 hours. granted ive looked before with no luck. i just had to wait for the intenet to catch up with me. 2004-04-03 - 8:16 p.m. could somebody please explain to me the passion of the chirst book
2004-04-03 - 12:33 p.m. heh. i just realized my birth mothers name could be mrs robinson 2004-04-03 - 11:26 a.m. so...i have an address for my potental birth mother. I need help writing a letter that wont freak anyone (including me) out. 2004-04-02 - 6:00 p.m. aparently my mothers maiden name was horner 2004-04-02 - 12:03 p.m. i just had a cuban and a canoli from the liberty deli. mmmmmmmmm. ive so gained weight. 2004-04-01 - 12:48 p.m. I have harry potter in french. it sounds so alluring but not so much with the understanding. i also have the da vinci code...which adds to artemis fowl and the third book in the wizarding series as well as the book written by the president of IDEO which i REALLY REALLY want to read. SO my goal is to bust out with work so i can read lots of things and get ahead. I also want to go see sunshine of the spotless mind tomorrow so i need to get on it and i have a whole day to do so. I think ill be alright. i was also thinking that maybe what I need to do with therapy is take it out of the context its in typically. I just ate lunch at clarys and its a very safe and comfortable place to be...so why shouldnt therapy be the same? im not sure if she can do that but ill see. 2004-03-30 - 7:07 p.m. i realize that american idol is on tonight and i felt so much better. i also just bought a bunch of kids magazines to do style boards, vogue for myself, and the new artemis fowl book. its comfort eating, except theyre books
2004-03-30 - 5:36 p.m. ooh ooh oooh new harry potter trailer. soo so sos sosososos excciting. 2004-03-30 - 5:19 p.m. mostly today is sad because it feels like reverting. it feels like im back in that bad depressive place and i dont understand why or how i got there. 2004-03-30 - 3:30 p.m. i just walked on the treadmill for an hour 2004-03-30 - 1:22 p.m. her asking me if im angry with her makes me angry with her. I keep talking in circles. i dont KNOW what i need and goddamnit if i did i would fix it. but thats not even the truth anymore. its more that I dont need anything anymore. Ill just continue on with my happy go lucky life, ignorning grief so that I dont have to deal with it unitl it comes up on those couple times a year. The talking and sympathy was nice when i needed it but now it just feels patronizing. Im not writing in my pink journal anymore because it has officially been labled the depression journal. Im not depressed like that anymore and so i need to get back to my online journal because this is where i am myself. she asks what i need to feel like myself and i think i need not to feel singled out like in therapy. i want to scream. i was so fine before the session and now i just want to lay around and be depressive- which is the opposite effect you want from therapy. its sad that i wont get to see her again, but i dont think i should go. Im taking three weeks off and hopefully that will let me know what i really need to say to her because i dont want to have just left it like this. AAAAARRRGGGGHH 2004-03-29 - 10:45 a.m. i just got asked "when do i get to have you in class" hehehe grad student to be reckoned with 2004-03-27 - 8:05 p.m. new low people. i just made myself a bowl of cookie dough for dinner 2004-03-27 - 1:24 p.m. i have a feeling im just going to update all day. So i started tapering my anti-depressants off. I feel good and actually, coming off them makes me feel more like myself. Interesting. Im alternating days with a half a pill and then no pill. im happy im up and fuck all the bullshit i went through. laundry is being done and carrie is dating a jazz musician. i dont remember when aiden comes back but i cant wait. hes the best. although id much rather have a big. someone to fight with someone to be crazy passionate with someone to hate so much that you cant imagine being without them. grr. i need play. 2004-03-27 - 1:05 p.m. i am being sucked into the ever vaccous hole of sex and the city. season 4 just came in and woo- its my favorite season so far. i just took zycam and have to wait 15 minutes to drink my fun water. its fun because i bought new ice cube trays that make ice cubes for bottled water- little cylanders. so lets make a to do list because im a slacker. studio 2: Photojournal of my problem statement and typing up my problem statement. Ive already taken pictures at toys r us and bed bath and beyond. I just need to take pictures of the kitchen and organize everything in a good little sequence. Human Factors: I need to get someone to measure me and then figure out my z scores. Ive already typed in the information that I dont need measures for but Ill either get val to do it when she gets home from work or nichole tonight. Photoshop: I need to organize my scanning technique into a page to print out, and print out 21 copies. I also need to do lessions 1-3 in the book. I need to experiment with some techniques and add them to my process book. so it seems as if photoshop is the most pressing and time consuming. then studio and tonight human factors. sounds good. lets go 2004-03-26 - 8:20 p.m. i missed the talent show at church cuz im a retard. damnit 2004-03-25 - 7:25 p.m. i never knew being a SODA member would be so frustrating. they are all very critical and unorganized. for people who have so little time they certainly spend a lot of time just bullshitting around. 2004-03-25 - 4:36 p.m. jesus, was there an evacuation I wasnt informed about. oh no...just the first weekend of the quarter. Im gonna go see taking lives tonight. and hopefully photoshop will work now that ive trashed os9. i need a fuck buddy. JCs writings have gotten too alluring for me not to get into shape to fit into a leather catsuit and tiffany encrusted guns. although in reality its gonna be a hot leather skirt and a pink and black pool cue with rhinestones in the handle. i want to reek of sex all the time. damn thats hot. and yay back to my normal slutty self!!! 2004-03-25 - 1:45 p.m. why is it that condoleezza rice always looks like a constipated gremlin?
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